I don't know what to write, I've been in a weird mood lately. I might even be becoming emo myself. It feels like I'm never going to graduate. I think I'm going to drop two classes and take them again in the fall. I don't know what the deal is but with melissa, the kids and school, i've focused the least attention on the latter.
One of Melissa's contributors to the church newsletter fell through and now i'm going to write something on that. Not sure but I should have plenty of material since the subject is on worry. And who knows, it's probably one of God's little things showing once again he's in control of my life. The last 6 weeks have been a trying ordeal and I don't know if its made me stronger or weaker but I don't feel like I've been faithful to God in all this. I feel like blaming God. I really do and can't explain why. It's a spiritual attack and yet I feel like blaming the one in control of my life instead of the root cause. Perhaps I should write about the past six weeks. Still I don't do well when it comes to emotions and I'm still too choked up to even think about it.
I tried something new, I made egg salad for dinner for melissa tonight. I put in way too much mustard, but she likes it that way so it really isn't a goof is it? I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I feel trapped with the dishes, laundry and the kids. I feel like I have no control in life and at the whims and mercies of the world. I have this feeling in my throat and it really hurts. Guess I'll be listening to a little yiddish music tonight, that always seems to cheer me up.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY WIFE?????
Yeah, it still hurts and pains me. I can't be strong forever. I can't. I feel like I'm going to die in the desert. It seems like a mirage, that hope is a lost facet of my imagination. I'm not going to curse God, but it seems there is a voice in my mind saying, "How could a loving God do this to you and your family?" A false absurdity I know, but there it is in black and white and I can't get these things out of my mind. Today I am a EMO kid. But you will never see this in person. The barrier will be back up for another day. Goodnight.
posted by Tex @ 8/25/2005 01:01:00 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
1) You know when you dwell on your problems, they seem to only grow. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, which is more often than I like to admit, I start counting my blessings, first by naming all the people who love me and working my way down to having a roof over my head and enough food in the pantry that we won't be hungry.
2) I understand wanting to blame God for Melissa's illness, but why not thank Him for not taking her from you.
3) Your mood and outlook on life is controlled by your thoughts and YOU have control over what consumes your thoughts.
4) The last thing I'd like you to remember is, you're not alone. If you just need someone to listen while you spill your guts about everything that's overwhelming you, you have people willing to do that.
Hang in there, Jimmy. You're doing a great job as a husband and dad. You're in a rough patch right now. We all go thorough those every now and then and, at the time, it seems like that's the way it will always be. But it won't last forever, unless you give up.
If you have to worry, just worry about what you have control over. Life gets a lot easier when you do that...and trust God.
Jimmy; Things are going to work out and everything is going to be okay. You just have to trust God for He has a plan. Also, your Mom and Dad are here for you - just pick up the phone or IM us. We love you very much.
Mom
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